


Shinji’s Soliloquy (Post-mortem)

by biiesh



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Angst, Internal Monologue, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-06
Updated: 2013-12-06
Packaged: 2018-01-15 17:28:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1313278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biiesh/pseuds/biiesh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shinji reacts to Kaworu’s demise in Eva 3.0.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shinji’s Soliloquy (Post-mortem)

I let out a bloodcurdling scream.

I screamed and screamed, rupturing my vocal cords until I started to gag due to the increasing friction from the walls of my throat. The invisible barrier protected me from being doused in crimson liquid, but all I could think about was smashing it open. I began to punch the wall, my fists tightening blow after blow after blow, crying, “Kaworu-kun! Kaworu-kun!” I couldn’t stop. “Kaworu-kun! Kaworu-kun, please!” Why was I even calling out to him like that?  _Kaworu’s dead. Fucking decapitated_. It was the most agony I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Deafening tears spilled down my cheeks, stinging them, but my face was without a single scratch, so why did it feel like salt mercilessly poured over a wound? _The pain was coming from inside. From your shredded heart_. But I didn’t understand why because it’s always locked away in my chest, deeper than central dogma inside the earth. I’ve never allowed it to surface even a little bit; I didn’t trust anyone, I’ve never trusted anyone! Why is it so painful!  _Because you trusted Kaworu-kun_. I wept into my hands, visualising him headless on the other side – what other side? Where is he now? Is he in Heaven? Hell? Is he just a soul drifting in the universe?  _Is he nothing?_ But I’m nothing. I should’ve sacrificed my own life for him. Why not me? Why did it have to be Kaworu-kun? It’s all because Misato-san put that damn choker on me! I heard myself whimper. I just wanted to see him again. I tried looking past the blood, but it was the exact same colour as his smiling eyes. He was always smiling, with such gentle eyes. Are you smiling at me, Kaworu-kun? What did you mean, “we’ll meet again”? Tell me. Please. I grabbed my throbbing head, still choking back tears. It all happened too fast. The piano duets, the star-gazing, the conversations. I remember my face flushing, and my constantly pounding heart, but it all had felt so… serene. So right. Kaworu-kun had made me feel like I belonged somewhere.  _With him_. I slumped over my knees, the aching in my chest intensifying. I never got to touch him, or hold his hand.  _Because you were afraid, even though you trusted him_. I didn’t understand any of this. I really didn’t…  _Or maybe you just didn’t want to_. …Yes, I musn’t run away. Yes… I understood, why it hurt so much. And just as I did, warning signs interrupted by flashing in monstrous letters around me. I reluctantly ejected out of the Eva, facing the reality that I loved Kaworu-kun.

I heard someone forcing the door open, and Asuka jumped in and started yelling at me and kicking me, but I couldn’t give a shit. I was alone again. When she dragged me out of the entry plug, I caught a glimpse of the sky – a gentle shade of blue – and I’ve never wished for the world to end so badly before.

**Author's Note:**

> I really wanted to try writing Shinji’s thoughts out, in first person, because we don’t know what was going on in his mind after that. I sensed that he felt pretty hopeless, though I may be wrong of course. But he did just mope till the credits rolled. This is my second fic since 2009, and I’ve never captured a character’s pain before but I hope this is a good start!


End file.
